Waiting under the Mantle of Mystery

I have turned to the “Night Watch” in Seven Sacred Pauses by Macrina Wiederkehr on many days and nights these past ten years.

Macrina writes about waiting:

… my prayer is simply one of waiting in silence, waiting in darkness, listening with love.

It is a prayer of surrender.

In my night watch I do not use ordinary words. My prayer is a prayer of intent. I make my intention and I wait. I become a deep yearning. The silence and the darkness are healing. My prayer is now a prayer of trust. I keep vigil with the mystery …

Her words comfort me and tell me I am not alone. Others have waited with the mystery and walked with the unknown. Of course, the truth is we all will walk this path, but on some dark nights (which could be days) sometimes it feels so lonely.

Macrina is the one who taught me about a holy vigil. She writes, “Vigil is a time of exquisite beauty. It is a time for waiting and watching under the mantle of mystery. It can be a prayer of waiting without agenda, without urgency. We often wait for things we cannot change. Waiting in itself has the potential of being a prayer of faith. Sometimes we wait for growth. Like a seed resting in the group, we wait for who we can become. The darkness that surrounds us can be an ointment for our restless spirit. If we do not turn away from this darkness, it has the potential of becoming a nurturing womb for us. Often it is in the dark times of our lives that our eyes are opened, and we see thing in new ways.”

Those words helped me be present with my mother. Sitting by her bed waiting for her to wake up, waiting for her to recognize me, and waiting with her as we both sat in the silence. As I reflect, it was waiting with her that delivered unexpected gifts.

Now that I stand in the second half of life, I am sifting through my life experiences. Knowing what I know now, I would tell my younger self – learn how to wait. Learn how to wait with, not wait for. I recognize a lot of unnecessary suffering was attached to my inability to wait well. In fact, I think I would say a bit later (when I knew my younger self was receptive), “learn the art of holy waiting.” I have learned there are times when I am mindful enough to choose holy waiting instead of secular waiting. In those rare instances of waiting with, time falls away and space expands. I am still learning…